Lighten up time 2

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Lighten up time 2

Post by Tanuj » Tue Mar 22, 2005 8:07 am

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.

The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

Tuly or not Tuly

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Post by Biker » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:02 am

Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
If you can't join them, beat them!

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Post by Brosser » Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:14 am

Biker wrote:Ten most Polite ..........
:lol: That actually got me laughing!! great stuff. :lol:

That makes me think about the movie Grumpier old men and the bloopers you got at the end of it. You know when the old man(the dad of one of the grumpier old men) asks that woman to go to his home and have a look at his:
- mansized manicotti
- beefy beloni
- ....
You had to see him tell it, priceless.

I forgot the rest (there were at least 4 more), a pint to the one that can complete it(without google).
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Post by swright » Tue Mar 22, 2005 3:30 pm

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot lifts slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief! Did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid lifts and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter. 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies. 'The Chicken Surprise.'

'Oh I do apologise, Sir, this is my fault...' says the waiter.

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

Tuly kiwi. Image

Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

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Post by ATC » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:46 pm

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy
hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out
hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a
prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and
went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver
fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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Post by Tanuj » Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:16 am

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only
thing in life!!


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

--Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.


Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.

--H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
- U2

- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."


Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "
Tuly or not Tuly

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Post by Biker » Thu Mar 31, 2005 1:11 am

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers
that his employer has overpaid him by $200 000. He decides someone's on his side and keeps quiet.

At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees
that he's been underpaid by $200 000. Fuming, he goes to have it out with
his employer.

'Sir,I think you've made a mistake on my cheque.'

'And how do you figure that? his employer asks.

'It seems I've been underpaid by $200 000.'

'Ja, so?'

'No disrespect Sir, but I want my money.'

'Last month I overpaid you by $200 000 and you didn't complain so why

'Well Sir, the thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if
it becomes a habit I have to say something'
If you can't join them, beat them!

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Post by Biker » Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:05 am

Oops, :oops:
Last edited by Biker on Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
If you can't join them, beat them!

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Post by Biker » Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:08 am

Oops, double posting :oops:

Bloody Phb errors - sowwy
Last edited by Biker on Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Eelco » Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:37 am

Biker wrote: 'Well Sir, the thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something'
The same with multiple postings, he Biker :wink:
Only sheep and Tuly IdiotsImageneed a leader

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Post by *dot* » Thu Mar 31, 2005 3:42 am

Eelco wrote:
Biker wrote: 'Well Sir, the thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something'
The same with multiple postings, he Biker :wink:
:P :P
Image OMG! how did I manage to get trapped amongst these "Tuly Idiots" :twisted:

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Post by SRV » Fri Apr 01, 2005 10:54 am

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Keep smiling :lol:

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Post by Biker » Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:45 am

Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.

ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
If you can't join them, beat them!

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Post by Guest Of Honour » Tue Apr 05, 2005 4:53 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willie in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,

"That was very nice, but listen very, very closely - are... my...test...results...back?.
"Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent Opposition From Mediocre Minds"


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Camilla and the Queen,,,,,,,,,,

Post by DEWM1 » Mon Apr 11, 2005 3:47 pm

Palace sources report that whilst Camilla is totally delighted to wed Charles, she has graciously declined the Queen's generous offer of a weekend honeymoon in Paris with a car and driver."

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