Lighten up time 2

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NickR
Posts: 1935
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 4:40 am
Location: the wet and windy atlantic archipelago

a royal visit

Post by NickR » Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:06 am

The Queen was being shown around one of Scotland's premier hospitals, and after doing the rounds of the regular patients she was taken onto ward where all of the patients were shouting what seemed like blatant gibberish.
She was led to the nearest patient and she was able to make ou that he was actually blurting out some kind of meaningful words but she couldn't actually make them out:

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

Smiling benevolently (but somewhat confused) she moved on to the next bed where this patient too was gibbering away thus:

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

Risking another one, they moved to another bed on the other side of the ward, but it was no better:

I lang hae thought, my youthfu friend,
A something to have sent you,
Tho it should serve nae ither end
Than just a kind memento:
But how the subject-theme may gang,
Let time and chance determine:
Perhaps it may turn out a sang;
Perhaps, turn out a sermon.

Bemused, the Queen was then led back to the Ward Sister's room where she was told that the tour was now complete...what did she think?

"One was most impressed. but one is confused why it was left so late in the tour before one was shown around the psychiatric ward"

"Oh no ma'am" came the reply... "That wasn't the psychiatric ward...that was the serious Burns unit".

NickR
Posts: 1935
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 4:40 am
Location: the wet and windy atlantic archipelago

Post by NickR » Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:27 am

A woman sitting in a restaurant in St John's, Newfoundland, suddenly began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men called Bill and Bob, who were sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.

"Kinya swaller?" asked Bob. The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head. ''Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill. The woman, beginning to turn rather blue, shook her head 'No.'

With that, Bob walked over to her, hauled her face down across the table, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's bottom. This shocked the woman and she went into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and, wonder of wonders, she began to breathe again.

Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer.

Bill said in admiration, toasting his friend Bob, "Ya know boy, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuver, but I sure ain't never seen nobody do it."

Voice Of Reason
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Location: SAP Fans GD Forum

Post by Voice Of Reason » Mon Jan 15, 2007 11:35 am

Why Men Lie :

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?â€
Now; Why did I choose this Name :?

Voice Of Reason
Posts: 202
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:17 pm
Location: SAP Fans GD Forum

Post by Voice Of Reason » Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:56 am

"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

:)
Now; Why did I choose this Name :?

NickR
Posts: 1935
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2004 4:40 am
Location: the wet and windy atlantic archipelago

Post by NickR » Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:10 am

Packaging Instructions:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

Voice Of Reason
Posts: 202
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:17 pm
Location: SAP Fans GD Forum

Post by Voice Of Reason » Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:22 am

Do they sound true :?: :wink:

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly……………..

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
Now; Why did I choose this Name :?

Baz
Posts: 4748
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2002 5:54 am
Location: He's out there! somewhere!!!!
Contact:

Post by Baz » Mon Jan 29, 2007 3:16 am

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly Jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and Stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act She immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as He now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good News and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since You were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and Saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your Act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his Bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's Dead."

Edna replied,
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
"How soon can I go home?"
Baz

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Baz
Posts: 4748
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Contact:

Post by Baz » Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:20 am

Romantic Poetry.... Take note - with Valentines day around the corner



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pi++ed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
*****************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
***************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
*******************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Baz

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m@t
Posts: 4119
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2003 7:37 am
Location: Switzerland

Post by m@t » Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:36 am

Voice Of Reason wrote:Do they sound true :?: :wink:

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
...
etc.
Functional consultant is a person who thinks the date of parturition is negotiable, and never believes the 9 months quote.

m@t
TULY Image The quality of answers is roughly proportional to the quality of the question.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

Baz
Posts: 4748
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2002 5:54 am
Location: He's out there! somewhere!!!!
Contact:

Post by Baz » Tue Jan 30, 2007 8:50 am

Geoff returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Geoff went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Geoff was getting into
bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He
touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time
before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell
asleep.

Geoff, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could
we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Geoff,
I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you
don't."
Baz

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Baz
Posts: 4748
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2002 5:54 am
Location: He's out there! somewhere!!!!
Contact:

Post by Baz » Fri Feb 02, 2007 3:40 am

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly Nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Baz

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ib
Posts: 3216
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2003 5:41 am
Location: Oil Patch, Scotland

Post by ib » Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:21 am

An old man was sitting by a river fishing, when he heard a voice say "Pick me up".

He looked around, but could see no-one.

The voice said "Pick me Up" again.

He looked around again, but all he saw was a frog sitting on the surface of the water.

"You talking to me?! he asked the frog.

"Yes ... I'm talking to you" said the frog. "Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, and I'll introduce you to pleasures you've never imagined.!

He looks at the frog for a few minutes, and then he picked it up and put it into his left breast pocket, and cast his line again.

From inside the pocket, the frog shouted "What? Are you mad? ! Just kiss me and I'll give you pleasure like you've never had before!"

He opened the flap of the pocket and looked at the frog. "Nah! I don't think so" he said.

"At my time of life, I'd rather have a talking frog"
Regards.
ib
___________________________________
SAPFans help those who help themselves !

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
Joined: Mon May 17, 2004 3:15 am
Location: 29 Acacia Road

Post by slinkyjib » Wed Feb 07, 2007 8:49 am

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
Joined: Mon May 17, 2004 3:15 am
Location: 29 Acacia Road

Post by slinkyjib » Wed Feb 07, 2007 10:34 am

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.


Night falls...


First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled “phut-phutâ€

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
Joined: Mon May 17, 2004 3:15 am
Location: 29 Acacia Road

Post by slinkyjib » Wed Feb 07, 2007 10:37 am

Another Golden Oldie

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice tits!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a move? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

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