Lighten up time 2

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NickR
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Post by NickR » Tue Nov 07, 2006 4:25 am

Have you ever wondered:

What is the speed of darkness?

If a quiz can be quizzical, what are tests?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Baz
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Post by Baz » Tue Nov 07, 2006 5:33 am

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Rumour has it that this procedure also works in some states in the USA, New Zealand and Tasmania.
Baz

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Snowy
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Post by Snowy » Tue Nov 07, 2006 8:58 am

NickR wrote:What is the speed of darkness?
just a few seconds, at least, that's what WoD told me... :roll:

JHF
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Location: South Africa

Post by JHF » Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:43 am

Skinny Dipping....



An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.
JHF

JHF
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Location: South Africa

Post by JHF » Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:44 am

"Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country
estate.

I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man? "

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a
candle??!!

"eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling
nobody

she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's
new

Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."



SILENCE.................... ,



LONG

SILENCE..............................................................,



FINALLY .............,



"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t
JHF

Baz
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Post by Baz » Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:56 am

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?

Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"
Baz

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swright
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Post by swright » Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:38 pm

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic orphanage in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.

Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him Purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Grapje is now a cardinal, having devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man. However, commentators and analysts completely discounted him in the recent conclave.

The Church is simply not ready for a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Sandi
~~~~

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Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

swright
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Post by swright » Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:39 pm

Two fish in a tank...
One fish turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you do with a wombat?
A: You play wom with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The thunder god went for a ride
Upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor" he cried, the horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly"
Sandi
~~~~

Tuly kiwi. Image

Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

Baz
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Post by Baz » Thu Jan 11, 2007 5:46 am

Breaking news (for Premier League Soccer fans).....


Michael Jackson is about to sign for Liverpool FC.

The prosepct of being spanked by 11 kids was too good an opportunity to miss.....


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Baz

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RosieBrent
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Inner Peace

Post by RosieBrent » Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:31 am

I don't normally pass these things on but this worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished.

And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
Kind Regards

Rosie Brent

Please remember to search the forum and check the FAQ before posting questions, thank you.

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m@t
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Location: Switzerland

Post by m@t » Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:40 am

swright wrote: The thunder god went for a ride
Upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor" he cried, the horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly"
The thundergod seduced a young women. Afterwards, he thought he better introduce himself.

"I am mighty Thor"
"Tho am I, but it wath fun, wathn't it"


Do you smoke after intercourse?
I don't know. I've never looked.

m@t
TULY Image The quality of answers is roughly proportional to the quality of the question.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

abap_doctor
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Post by abap_doctor » Thu Jan 11, 2007 7:08 am

Doctor, examining young female patient, stethescope in hand: "Big breaths"

Patient: "Yeth! And I'm only thixteen!"

:shock:
The Doc
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swright
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Post by swright » Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:17 pm

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.

When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" To which Pinocchio replied, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
Sandi
~~~~

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Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

bgamble
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Post by bgamble » Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:20 pm

swright wrote:, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
we all need pancakes
In my opinion, Pepper Spray is underutilized as an effective tool for scope control

bgamble
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Post by bgamble » Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:41 pm

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina
for my dog Lola and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I
went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
In my opinion, Pepper Spray is underutilized as an effective tool for scope control

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