Lighten up time 2

Discussion about non-SAP related issues: Inquiries, Personal & Commercial advertisements, etc. ( For registered users only)

Moderators: rtella, Snowy, thx4allthefish, The Prince Of Darkness

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Snowy
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Post by Snowy » Wed Nov 02, 2005 2:01 pm

carlitosway wrote:I heard this one last night...


I heasrd this one 25 years ago... it was already an old joke...

Baz
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Post by Baz » Fri Nov 04, 2005 4:42 am

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Baz

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Yorkie Abaper
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Post by Yorkie Abaper » Mon Nov 14, 2005 5:54 am

Driving to work this morning I was feeling hungry so I decided to stop at the services on the M1.

Popped into the shop and picked up a can of coke, a mars bar and a bag of crisps.

At the checkout I apologised to the cashier for only having a £20 note.

"It's ok" she replied, "just put the crisps back".

Yorkie
I think too much and I drink too much.

Al.
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Post by Al. » Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:31 am

Yorkie Abaper wrote:Driving to work this morning I was feeling hungry so I decided to stop at the services on the M1.

Popped into the shop and picked up a can of coke, a mars bar and a bag of crisps.

At the checkout I apologised to the cashier for only having a £20 note.

"It's ok" she replied, "just put the crisps back".

Yorkie
I wish I could use the :shock: smiley :)

Baz
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Post by Baz » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:58 am

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, Alright, I'm a f*****g rabbit!"
Baz

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Emmarke
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Post by Emmarke » Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:04 am

Job Interview

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: There is a man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

Well, after the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it’s either Willie Turner or Willie Taylor."

m@t
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Post by m@t » Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:11 am

Possibly willie 'eckaslike

m@t
TULY Image The quality of answers is roughly proportional to the quality of the question.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

SRV
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Heard this one before?

Post by SRV » Tue Nov 22, 2005 2:19 pm

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own Handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Keep smiling :lol:

harradine
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Post by harradine » Wed Nov 23, 2005 8:56 pm

After visiting Mongolia Bush proudly announced that he had really enjoyed meeting with the country's leaders and they had been so impressed with him that they had made him an "Honorary Mongoloid"

H
A rooster one day and a feather-duster the next!

m@t
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Post by m@t » Thu Nov 24, 2005 3:27 am

I think the correct term is Down's Syndrome.

m@t
TULY Image The quality of answers is roughly proportional to the quality of the question.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

VLozano
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Post by VLozano » Thu Nov 24, 2005 4:47 am

m@t wrote:I think the correct term is Down's Syndrome.

m@t
Disagree... I know some people with Down's Syndrome, and they don't have the same symptoms GWB shows... (almost they know how to leave a room)
Tuly Idiots
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Baz
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Post by Baz » Thu Nov 24, 2005 8:58 am

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having $ex with his
patients. It's a damn shame because he's a really good vet.
Baz

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Snowy
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Post by Snowy » Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:12 am

Baz wrote:My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having $ex with his
patients. It's a damn shame because he's a really good vet.
For Vic: a New Zealander, eh?

VLozano
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Post by VLozano » Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:08 am

Snowy wrote:
Baz wrote:My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having $ex with his
patients. It's a damn shame because he's a really good vet.
For Vic: a New Zealander, eh?
Not necessary... I don't think in zealanders as zoophiles... they have sex with sheeps because they are in love with them. Zoophiles have sex with animals only for (their own) pleasure... I'm sure zealanders do a big effort to make their partners reach orgazmz :wink:
Tuly Idiots
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NickR
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Post by NickR » Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:52 pm

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar, still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
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