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Lighten up time 2

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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby NickR » Wed Jan 07, 2009 8:29 am

A man goes to the doctor for a penis extension. The doc suggests a baby elephant's trunk stitched on and the man agrees.
Weeks later while having dinner with his new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this must be the night. Moments later his cock flies out and steals an apple of the table. Wow says the woman, can you do that again?
Maybe, he says, but my arse can't take another apple!
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby Boots » Wed Jan 07, 2009 8:47 am

:lol: :lol:
Boots

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...nothing beats the feeling of being naughty ...
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby swright » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:03 pm

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby swright » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:04 pm

Some bad jokes...


Did you hear about the guy they arrested for sexually assaulting a cow?
Yep, he told the police that he was just in the mooooooood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Necrophilia: The sudden urge to crack open a cold one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not quite sure what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the
pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby The Prince Of Darkness » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:18 am

Apologies if this was already posted - the last line made this funny for me (read it all first).....

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights

each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.






His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so

for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey,

Bob! How ya doin?'



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.



'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.



When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd

like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and

says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'



'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.



I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws

her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'



Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.



Before she can slam the door, he jumps in

beside her.



Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper

must have mistaken him for someone else, but his

wife is having none of it .



She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,

calling him every 4 letter word in the book.



The cabby turns around and says,



'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bobs funeral is Friday....
Former SAP PM, looking to move in Lawn Mower business
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby Snowy » Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:25 am

copied from https://www.sdn.sap.com/irj/scn/thread? ... &start=100


One Line Humor

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby Dr Sidewalk » Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:37 am

What do you call an intelligent blonde?.

A labrador.
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
"Money isn't everything in life, unless you don't have it"
"Fail to plan, plan to fail"
"Success is a journey, not a destination."
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby Baz » Tue Feb 24, 2009 9:04 am

My first condom....




I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a pack of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'

she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

:D 8) :mrgreen:
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby swright » Thu Mar 05, 2009 7:37 pm

Groaners - you have been warned

Q. Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
A. Fo Drizzle

Q. What do you get from a satanic chicken lay?
A. Devilled eggs.

Why was the willow weeping? Answer:
Because he wasn't poplar.

Q. Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A. Because their pecker is on their head.

Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: Wi' Jammin.

Q: What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
A: Hope you like Jammin too.

Q: What's ET short for?
A: Because he's only got little legs.

Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she strolled into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.They welcomed her with, "Hello, I am brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."

"I am very pleased to meet you both," replied the nun, "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, thank you sister. I am the fish friar."
She turned to Brother Michael and said, "then you must be....?"
"Yes, sister," interrupted Brother Michael you are correct. I am the chip monk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian (feathers) consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.
"For something going on as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."
The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.
"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.


Why do pigs make good spies?
They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.


What kind of printer does a pig use?
An oinkjet.


One time an electrician came home drunk at four o'clock in the morning. "Wire you insulate?" his wife scolded.
"Watts it to you?" he snapped. "I'm ohm, ain't I?"
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~~~~

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Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby swright » Thu Mar 05, 2009 7:38 pm

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
Sandi
~~~~

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Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby Dr Sidewalk » Fri May 15, 2009 2:31 am

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." Little Johnny walks up to him and says, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the young boy is being silly and that an answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, Little Johnny walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life!!" "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
"Money isn't everything in life, unless you don't have it"
"Fail to plan, plan to fail"
"Success is a journey, not a destination."
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby magicmonkeyman » Fri May 15, 2009 2:55 am

The nun and the hippie


A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty, young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God" She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"


"Yeah?" says the hippie. "Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-Ha" he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-Ha" cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby NickR » Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:15 am

Two weeks before Xmas, a woman hears a knock on the door. She opens the door, but sees nobody. Just as she's shutting the door, she looks down and spots a snail. The snail looks at her and says. "Can you spare some food to get me through Christmas please, anything will help, lettuce leaf, cabbage leaf, any bit of veggie leaf or stalks."

The woman disappears inside and the snail mentally rubbs his hands, metaphorically speaking. She comes back with a broom, shouts "piss off!" and swept the snail into the bushes.

Christmas came and went, life moved on and two weeks after Easter, the woman hears a knock at the door. Nothing there, looks down and sees the snail looking up at her. It says. "That wasn't very charitable now, was it?"
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Postby VLozano » Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:16 am

The Dead Frog:

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."

She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her 200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."

The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."

The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another 200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".

"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...

...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
Tuly Idiots
Because we know we are part of the problem
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Favourite movie of all time...

Postby Dr Sidewalk » Tue Dec 01, 2009 7:58 am

Send this as an e-mail to a friend....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

This maths test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was 'Saving Private Ryan', what's yours?.

Try it without looking at the answers. It works!

Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Then multiply by 3 again.

That will produce a two digit answer and you will get your final answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.

Good Luck!!


Your all time most watched movie is:

1. Gone with the wind.


2. Aliens.


3. Oliver


4. Star Wars


5. Forrest Gump.


6. Saving Private Ryan.


7. Jaws.


8. Grease.


9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.


10. Mary Poppins.
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
"Money isn't everything in life, unless you don't have it"
"Fail to plan, plan to fail"
"Success is a journey, not a destination."
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