Lighten up time 2

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Dr Sidewalk
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Location: Everywhere...

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Dr Sidewalk » Mon Aug 25, 2008 4:09 am

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.

Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"

Saint Peter is shocked, says

"This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets"


Dr Sidewalk
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
"Money isn't everything in life, unless you don't have it"
"Fail to plan, plan to fail"
"Success is a journey, not a destination."

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
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Location: 29 Acacia Road

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by slinkyjib » Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:02 am

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by slinkyjib » Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:48 am

A guy is in a bar with his mate when he pulls out a very shiny apple, ‘this my friend is the most amazing apple you will ever eat, I made it myself, try it, take a bite’…

So his friend takes a bite and exclaims ‘mmmm delicious, taste just like rum & coke’….

‘Correct says his mate, move the apple round a bit more and take another bite’…

His mate takes another bite, ‘hmmmm this time it taste like a gin & tonic’…

‘Correct says his mate, now move the apple round again and take another bite’…

His mate turns the apple a bit more again and has another bite, ‘hmmmm this time it taste like a jd & code’…’this is absolutely fantastic, how did you do it’?

‘I cant tell you said his mate, it’s top secret, but I made it taste like this from my own garage at home!’

‘Well I am impressed, I tell you what – I bet you you can’t make an apple taste like a woman’s p*ssy by this time next week. I will give you £1000 if you pull it off’…

With that the guy returns straight home and immediately starts working on the apple tasting. After a long week of bashing & crashing he has finished the apple and is ready to let his friend have the first sample.

He meets his friend in the bar a week later and pulls out of his rucksack the apple. His mate is eager with anticipation as he puts the apple to his mouth and takes an enormous bite…’ewwwwww yuck, that’s disgusting, it takes just like sh1t!’ and he spits it out on to the floor.

His friend looks on and says, ‘you may need to turn the apple around just a little bit more’....

The Prince Of Darkness
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by The Prince Of Darkness » Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:23 am

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and high heels. In his wallet was a "SAP CRM Certified Consultant certificate".

Before informing the next of kin the police removed the certificate to save the family embarrassment.
Former SAP PM, looking to move in Lawn Mower business

bgamble
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Contact:

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by bgamble » Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:41 am

I’m just trying to remember the last time I saw my SAP CRM Certification card. Did I have it when I left that bar with that hot blond last night?

My memory is a little fuzzy. So was she come to think of it
In my opinion, Pepper Spray is underutilized as an effective tool for scope control

Boots
Posts: 386
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Location: Atlantis

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Boots » Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:55 am

bgamble wrote:I’m just trying to remember the last time I saw my SAP CRM Certification card. Did I have it when I left that bar with that hot blond last night?

My memory is a little fuzzy. So was she come to think of it
:D :D

Yorkshire? Confusion is rife! Get used to it!
Boots

...........we might as well dance
...nothing beats the feeling of being naughty ...

Boots
Posts: 386
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Location: Atlantis

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Boots » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:07 am

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Porsche pulls up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”

The guy parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd. “That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required”, answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and
you don’t know crap about my business…

Now give me back my dog.”
Boots

...........we might as well dance
...nothing beats the feeling of being naughty ...

slinkyjib
Posts: 293
Joined: Mon May 17, 2004 3:15 am
Location: 29 Acacia Road

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by slinkyjib » Thu Oct 23, 2008 8:13 am

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

' Listen very carefully for.... the.... last....f**king time, I said...... 'BRING POSSE'

Boots
Posts: 386
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Location: Atlantis

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Boots » Thu Oct 23, 2008 8:16 am

LMAO

:P
Boots

...........we might as well dance
...nothing beats the feeling of being naughty ...

guesswho
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What Starts with F and ends with K

Post by guesswho » Thu Oct 23, 2008 4:22 pm

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could say the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me too... :oops: :P :D :lol: :D

http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/sh ... hp?t=69390
by finding out what the problem is, you got 50% of the solution.
(sentence is not mine, but trust me, it's true! :lol:).
full time member of Sapfans 'tuly idiot Image club' -American branch.

Eggy
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Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Eggy » Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:31 am

Whehe brilliant :D

Image

ese_pinche_ABAP
Posts: 297
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 12:57 pm

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by ese_pinche_ABAP » Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:03 pm

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in
the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

Dr Sidewalk
Posts: 3531
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Location: Everywhere...

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Dr Sidewalk » Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:41 am

Wrong Side Of The Bed!

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
"Money isn't everything in life, unless you don't have it"
"Fail to plan, plan to fail"
"Success is a journey, not a destination."

Whoa_Nellie
Posts: 89
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 1:55 pm

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by Whoa_Nellie » Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:01 am

The Mother Superior was having rooms renovated in the nunnery and to save money and instill discipline and hard work, was having the other nuns help out with many tasks that did not require a professional. She assigned two young nuns to paint a large room, and admonished them severely not to get any paint at all on their habits or there'd be h*11 to pay!

So the nuns shut the door and began to paint as carefully as ever they could. But being novices at painting they were having trouble avoiding the drops and spatter, so they decided to lock the door and take off their habits and paint completely in the nude. They were making good progress when they heard a knock at the door.

"Who's there?" one of them asked.

"Blind man!" came the answer.

The two young nuns looked at each other. Blind man, what could be the harm? They opened the door.

"OK, here's the blinds you ordered for this room. By the way, nice tits!"

swright
Posts: 4467
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2002 3:08 pm
Location: New Zealand

Re: Lighten up time 2

Post by swright » Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:27 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail of some bad guys when they decided to check their progress. Tonto leapt down from his horse and placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."
Sandi
~~~~

Tuly kiwi. Image

Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

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