Lighten up time 2

Discussion about non-SAP related issues: Inquiries, Personal & Commercial advertisements, etc. ( For registered users only)

Moderators: rtella, Snowy, thx4allthefish, The Prince Of Darkness

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guesswho
Posts: 507
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 7:50 pm
Location: facing up CRTube, somewhere at GMT-6.

Post by guesswho » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:34 pm

Africa Safari

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me.
The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.

As I got close to the house,the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time.
With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

City Boy Goes Hunting

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat.
He managed to creep into range and finally shot it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk!" said the boy.
"Oh, no!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Free Sex Contest

Two Aggies drove to a gas station in Louisiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the Aggie.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7," said the Aggie.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two Aggies returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Aggie asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10.
If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Two," said the Aggie.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the one Aggie said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged!"

"No way," said the other. "My wife won TWICE last week!"

Have fun!
by finding out what the problem is, you got 50% of the solution.
(sentence is not mine, but trust me, it's true! :lol:).
full time member of Sapfans 'tuly idiot Image club' -American branch.

Eelco
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 5:56 am
Location: Melbourne

Post by Eelco » Thu Apr 14, 2005 8:10 am

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Only sheep and Tuly IdiotsImageneed a leader

The Prince Of Darkness
Posts: 3080
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2003 10:10 am
Location: Either on a train or in a pub (if neither, arguing with an Eastern Block work colleague)

Post by The Prince Of Darkness » Thu Jun 16, 2005 7:41 am

Irish bloke walks in to the bar.

Blonde barmaid asks him "Why have you L and R on your shoes?"

He replies "So I can tell which is left and which is right"

"Oh!" she says "That must be why I have C & A on my knickers"

PoD

* C&A = General department store in britain that sells knickers.
Former SAP PM, looking to move in Lawn Mower business

*dot*
Posts: 1137
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:25 am
Location: Tokyo

Post by *dot* » Thu Jun 16, 2005 8:29 am

The Prince Of Darkness wrote:Irish bloke walks in to the bar.

Blonde barmaid asks him "Why have you L and R on your shoes?"

He replies "So I can tell which is left and which is right"

"Oh!" she says "That must be why I have C & A on my knickers"

PoD

* C&A = General department store in britain that sells knickers.
:lol: :lol: Dirty Mind, you are fired :P
Image OMG! how did I manage to get trapped amongst these "Tuly Idiots" :twisted:

Dave-Arabia
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 4:38 am
Location: Bahrain

Post by Dave-Arabia » Mon Jun 20, 2005 5:42 am

From the Diary of a Viagra Housewife

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it was time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
He’s been screwing me on the trot for 10 days and nights! I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier! Help me.

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!

8)
We'll just have one more here and then we'll go ..............

The Prince Of Darkness
Posts: 3080
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2003 10:10 am
Location: Either on a train or in a pub (if neither, arguing with an Eastern Block work colleague)

Post by The Prince Of Darkness » Tue Jun 28, 2005 6:55 am

I kept rolling out of bed and banging my head.

The doctor prescribed Viagara and I'm OK now!
Former SAP PM, looking to move in Lawn Mower business

guesswho
Posts: 507
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 7:50 pm
Location: facing up CRTube, somewhere at GMT-6.

Post by guesswho » Wed Jun 29, 2005 8:06 pm

hello everybody...

Keep off the grass
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
by finding out what the problem is, you got 50% of the solution.
(sentence is not mine, but trust me, it's true! :lol:).
full time member of Sapfans 'tuly idiot Image club' -American branch.

SRV
Posts: 1907
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2002 1:10 pm
Location: Indianapolis, IN, USA

Hey! this topic has been forgotten!

Post by SRV » Mon Aug 22, 2005 4:55 am

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ........Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Keep smiling :lol:

Snowy
Posts: 28790
Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2002 2:33 pm
Location: 3.1415926535

Re: Hey! this topic has been forgotten!

Post by Snowy » Mon Aug 22, 2005 7:34 am

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the tastier they get!
6. Women are like .Commercials ...... They keep on being loud and talking non-stop
12. Blondes are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

mike_ac
Posts: 4464
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:14 am
Location: Deep Texas

Post by mike_ac » Mon Aug 22, 2005 8:45 am

To help fill in Snowy's blanks...

1. Women are like laxatives -- great for a quick unloading, but you'd rather not stay on them for too long, or you'll never get any sleep.
3. Women are like weather -- no use trying to figure them out, everything will change in five minutes, anyway.
4. Women are like blenders -- address them the wrong way, and you're torn to hell.
5. Women are like chocolate bars -- a few minutes of fun can turn into a fat *ss that you are stuck with if you aren't careful.
7. Women are like department stores -- fifteen personalities in one place.
8. Women are like government bonds -- so much promise, so little return, and you're stuck with them forever.
9. Women are like mascara -- you have no idea how to pick it, it doesn't seem to do you all that much good, and only after you got it do you realize how much money you are wasting.
10. Women are like popcorn -- you never know when they're going to go off.
11. Women are like snowstorms -- all your friends are out having a good time, but you're trapped indoors.
"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk?" –Albert Einstein, when confronted by a neat freak about the disarray in his work space

PSitler
Posts: 120
Joined: Thu Feb 27, 2003 2:17 pm
Location: Charlotte, NC

Post by PSitler » Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:35 am

Thanks for the laughs! My contribution sent from my mother:

One day at the office, a man noticed that his very conservatiive co-worker was wearing an earring.

"I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff," he said to his friend.

"It's not a big deal," the guy said. "It's just an earring,"

"How long have you been wearing it?"

"Since my wife found it in my car last week."
Phyllis

SRV
Posts: 1907
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2002 1:10 pm
Location: Indianapolis, IN, USA

Does it qualify me for a Tuly Idiot?

Post by SRV » Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:05 pm

True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
============================


Customer: Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
============================


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 feet away.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
===============================


A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
=================================


Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
==================================


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears !
===================================


Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get
the circle around it ?
Keep smiling :lol:

Steve9999
Posts: 226
Joined: Mon May 16, 2005 12:58 pm
Location: CA,US

Post by Steve9999 » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:58 pm

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed
through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place
to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young
woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young
programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving
each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is
a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without
saying a word.

1. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for
that young man to kiss my granddaughter , but I'm glad she slapped
him."

2. The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the
young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she
hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"

3. The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy
kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

4. The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his
face.

He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the
chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at
the same time?"

SRV
Posts: 1907
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2002 1:10 pm
Location: Indianapolis, IN, USA

Heard this one before?

Post by SRV » Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:11 am

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

" To : My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Arrived

Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s It is damn hot down here !! "
Keep smiling :lol:

swright
Posts: 4467
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2002 3:08 pm
Location: New Zealand

Post by swright » Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:00 pm

A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his girlfriend is lying quietly in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Girlfriend replies, "I think you'll find, that's a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Sandi
~~~~

Tuly kiwi. Image

Putting the Chur in Christchurch, bro!

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